R,
It’s taken me a long time to put this letter together because I’ve been so stunned. For 36 years, I thought my “favorite Uncle” was a funny guy with filthy humor and offensive sayings. I thought you were a confidante; somebody I could share things with and ask for advice. I thought we bonded over silly life frustrations like our intolerance for stupid people. I thought you were smart, but your life didn’t turn out how you hoped or planned so at times you could be bitter. Nonetheless, you were my family, and I loved you.
That all turned out to be untrue, which is why I’ve been so stunned. Now that I’ve had time to think and process what I’ve learned about the kind of person you really are, there are a few things I’d like you to know.
Despite your stunted development into adulthood, I only ever loved and wanted good for you. I laughed at your teenaged humor and looked at the posts you’d send me from Pinterest. I listened patiently and laughed repeatedly as you would tell the same jokes over and over. I recognized your life was kind of empty and never wanted to hurt your feelings. I always tried to remember to send birthday cards and call on special occasions. One year I even gave you a card on Father’s Day. Mom was the same way. She always wanted to make you happy. She pitied you and never wanted you to feel bad about your life because everyone knew how pathetic it was. She would stay up late before we’d come to town making your favorite candy. She’d run around at Christmas looking for the new Garfield calendar to satisfy your queer obsession or buying new shirts in your ever-expanding size so you’d stop wearing the ones from 1974. Yet, you still lacked graciousness and found something to complain about.
My biggest regret in life is asking you to walk me down the aisle. I am mortified to have read you so wrong. I believed you were a decent person who loved me, an uncle worthy of filling in for a father who didn’t understand the privilege of giving away his daughter at her wedding. I was surprised to realize that, in fact, you have several common traits: you’re selfish, childish, cheap, ungrateful, and weak.
But you are worse than he ever was.
De was too sweet a soul and felt bad for you, but Pops was embarrassed by you. They are surely watching down, disgusted by your appalling behavior. You failed them, like you failed us. Back in 2022, we looked for your support as we fought through the worst days of our lives. We thought surely you’d come down – it’s your sister! It’s your niece and nephew, who in the speech you gave at my wedding you said were like your kids because you never had your own! (Thank heavens for that – you are completely unfit and undeserving of experiencing the blessing that is a child). But you couldn’t even bring yourself to drive an hour and get on a plane because you didn’t “feel well” and was “scared” because you get easily fatigued. You had the audacity – the fucking audacity! – to say that to us while our mother and your sister, your last living relatives, were in the MICU wavering between life and death. I honestly don’t know how you live with yourself.
Fortunately, you are the only one who does have to live with yourself. You go to bed every night, alone, haunted by the dreams you never made come true. When you awaken in the mornings, you have to look in the mirror at your aging face and gray, balding head and acknowledge the fact that you abused, lied to, and stole from your own mother. Do you feel like you won? Do you have the most money? Are you happy now that everyone is gone and you have turned your back, sacrificed your family? Because we were the most genuine relationships you ever had. Joanie has never given a fuck about you, yet you pine after her like a little high school boy. Fat, phony Laurie used you as company for her own misery, as well as for Mom’s food. Chris is a bored old gossip, vapid and jealous. For Mike, you were the means to an end: a pastrami sandwich! Your “crew” is a bunch of classless misfits, none of whom were there for you even a little bit when everything was happening with De. You can feign friends at Chabad, but all the prayers in the world aren’t enough to save you. Your greatest fear is already materializing. You are alone. You were wondering who would take care of you when you got old, and you were right not to count on me.
Time goes quickly, and one by one we age and people pass and now you’re alone in a big house that is no longer a home because the inhabitants who made it warm and welcoming are gone. Over the years, it was hard enough watching the family shrink – when we would leave after a visit, it was Nana, Dede, Poppy, and you waving goodbye in the window. I always loved that. Then there were 3... then 2… and now you. Just you. In a house once occupied by amazing people, full of life and happy times, you disgrace their memories with your behavior. To not reply to my emails and texts? To keep things that aren’t rightfully yours? To hoard photos and mementos and stories and memories out of spite? Your deep-seated anger and resentment fills the air that probably reeks of frozen pizza since you never learned to cook your own food. Shame on you for wasting your entire life and blaming everyone else for it. You were not born a victim. Nobody ever owed you anything. You were given everything a person could need - and so much more - except one thing: courage. You squandered your gifts by never finding the courage to actually live your one precious life.
In Judaism, some people believe that on your way out of this world, you see a reel of your life: highlights of the good and replays of the bad. How sad to think that yours will be void of highlights. Because what good have you really done? What have you contributed to society? ($50 to the Humane Society doesn’t count; nor to the nuns nor Chabad) Whose life have you positively impacted? What is your legacy? What will you be remembered for? What are you proud to have achieved? Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
You didn’t even know if your sister – your only sibling, your blood – was alive or not for two years. To have the opportunity to find out and choose not to take it is simply unforgivable. Others would give anything for that opportunity. As usual, you squandered it.
Your behavior upon finding out she passed was absolutely sickening. To not call us. To not ask if we were ok, if there was something you could do to help. YOU NEVER EVEN FUCKING SAID YOU WERE SORRY FOR OUR LOSS! You are reprehensible. You ignored us at our own mother’s funeral as if we were the ones who had done something wrong. You smiled and laughed, like it was some sort of social hour. You were steps away and didn’t even visit your own parents’ graves. I noticed your pathetic ass didn’t even drive yourself. Were you too fatigued?
I wonder what your funeral will look like. Not that I’ll be there… but will anyone else?
I never thought things would turn out this way and it’s truly unfortunate. I really cared about you. Now, your fate is in G-d’s hands… and I couldn’t care less.
P