On Friends - Vol. IV
sorry I scared you.
This is the fourth in a series of anecdotal posts about my friends and how they’ve helped me through some real rough stuff. My friends probably won’t remember much of these events, and even though my memory is generally shit, these events have stuck with me. Don’t miss Volumes I, II, and III.
I was 29 and we had just moved south. I was working out rigorously to get in shape for our wedding. One evening, my now-husband and I were leaving the gym in our condo building together and I apparently had a seizure in the elevator.
This particular time was unlike the other times I’d had breakthrough seizures (that weren’t caused by my irresponsibility), as it came without warning. When I regained consciousness, I was mortified. My husband insisted we go to the ER just to get me checked out – it was the first time he had witnessed a seizure and was terrified. I have virtually no recollection of the rest of that night. I do remember sitting in the ER being annoyed at having to wait and also feeling terrible for scaring him. Everything checked out fine and I was able to go home after several hours of waiting, being monitored, and having blood drawn.
Two or three years later, after we had gotten married, my in-laws were visiting us in our new apartment. It was Labor Day weekend and that following Thursday I was due to start my new job that I was excited about. I went into the kitchen and my mother-in-law asked me where we kept something, a mug maybe. I completely blanked. Our cabinets looked unfamiliar, and I couldn’t even begin to guess what was behind them. I opened the one with spices. No mug. I opened the one with dog food. No mug. My arm hurt, badly. I felt off, abnormal. In a daze, I went back to our bedroom and told my husband to help his mom. I got back in bed for a bit, still feeling weird. Awhile later, we went outside to a pizza place for lunch. I remember sitting down and getting a drink, but from there, my memories are conflicting. I have a vision of coming to at the table but also of waking up in my bed with the cup of water I had ordered from the restaurant next to me. I knew immediately I had had a seizure.
I felt differently when these seizures happened. I was more ashamed than in the other instances. I always tried to portray strength, independence, power with my husband, and stability and individualism with his parents. This time, I felt I looked weak, incapable. My father-in-law, a physician, called in my pills and gently but sternly reminded me how important it is that I stay on top of things.
I still went to my first day of my new job. Lifting my arm to the keyboard on my desk was excruciating – I had to put the keyboard on my lap to let my arm rest. I still don’t know what caused that pain as I had never experienced it with other seizures. It’s possible I had a tonic seizure in my sleep that precipitated the one outside. It was so unbelievably painful.
I haven’t messed with my meds since. I now use a home delivery pharmacy so they’re always here before I run out. Looking back, I don’t even recognize myself as the person who took such stupid risks. I had always been pretty fearless, a little reckless, but so were a lot of teenagers and 20-somethings. I never thought I was invincible, but for awhile I felt untouchable.
But nobody is untouchable.